Did He Really Just Say That?!

A week before I had (if not somewhat bitterly) borded a bus to make the last leg of what had been an 8 hour journey stretched out over the course of a 9AM-to-8PM day. If I had not known where I was going perhaps the journey would have been more enjoyable. Perhaps if I had not been accompanying the 15-year-old female 9th-grader in the seat ahead of me it might have been more restful. But regardless, I was being driven quite literally down a road I did not want to go. Part of me resented it, part (the part which I hid under my seat) actually wanted to go, but the rest and most of me was just terrified of what lay at the end.

The bus rolled in at 8:45 PM and we waiting a moment before joining the small departing surge. Very quickly my four travelling companions who had boarded the bus along with me discovered their respective hosts, as did I. I was greeted by a much younger looking couple than what I had certainly expected who introduced themselves as Warren and Rosanna--the teacher giving my two core classes, and his wife--and welcomed me cordially to the lake-town. They would provide my accomodations for the next week; a week spent full of long, exhausting days and activities, A.K.A. - School.

That's right. For one week I had been given an opportunity which I had never before seen in my lifetime; the opportunity to go to a real school and take normal classes. Having been homeschooled K-9 and after that enrolled in an online, 100% government-funded "Distributed Learning" program for my sophomore and junior years of highschool, I had only ever in my lifetime seen the inside of a school building for every reason OTHER than schooling. But now was my opportunity to get the real deal--or as real as it gets in a small Adventist-Christian school.

To my small surprise the days went by relatively quickly and my motivational levels skyrocketted (seeing as I had only four classes in an eight-hour school day and two spares not including extra time before classes begun; I certainly had nothing else to do) I wasn't about to go anywhere near the other students, besides, I had classes to catch up on and homework to get done. If they wanted anything from me they were just going to have to work for it, and boy did I make them work.

Of course, most didn't even bother; that was no surprise. I separated myself just far enough so that people could sense my invisible wall, and stayed just close enough that they might see over it every so often and see the creature self-housed and self-loathed inside. Yes, I played as difficult as they come. I was the quiet mysterious type--the one that continues on even after the game has become old and obnoxious, and I still wasn't quitting.

I will never forget the last day, the first portion of which I spent hanging around this large group of people in the home of one of my prior teachers. I hated it. How it is possible to be surrounded by so many people, yet still feel completely and terribly alone I will never understand. Sure they were nice enough people. But to how many of them did it really matter that I was there? I was just another face. I will never forget that teacher; she saw through my guises and my walls all week long. She said it like it was just the fact she'd been studying all week rather than a question; "You don't care much for big groups of people, do you." And I knew she saw more than I wanted to reveal.

That night special activities were planned in the gym; games. It was all kicked off by a truth vs lie game and ended in table games and volleyball. But in the middle of it all a time of prayer was had while we, having remained in groups from a previous activity, were asked to have a short prayer time with each other. The teacher whose house I had had the unseamly displeasure of three hours in surrounded by people, joined my group and broke the ice with her own prayer, followed by a popular local 12th-grader next to me. I will never forget his prayer and as he spoke I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Did he really just say that?!

He had thanked God--specifically mentioning me by name--for the opportunity for me to be there that week and spend time around them. I melted. WHAT? Had all my walls failed me? Why should he say a thing like that? How could he know who I was? I had vowed ever after never to share my true feelings over that moment with anyone, but in that moment all my walls fell with a terrific crashing, and I was broken to the core. I suddenly wished that I had kept better guard. I suddenly didn't want to leave, wanted to say I would come back in the fall. I suddenly realized that somewhere in this place that I had fought against for so long, that I had built walls against for months, someone wanted me.

That night after the following volleyball game I left, aware that the following morning I would take the 8-hour journey back home and try to return to daily life as I had known it a week before. I almost wished I didn't have to go, but for the protection of my fragility I pulled down the plexiglass dome over myself and left iron-faced, passing no one a glance as I went by. Still fighting. But although my defences had only been breached for but an instant, the few words spoken behind my walls would continue to affect me time and again afterward.